DJ DISLEXICAN

Here I sit looking through my mind
Mindless..
Thinking of the times I couldn’t change the past
or the things I took for granted
Wondering how to move forward instead of backwards
Here I sit looking at past notes and thinking of the day I was happy
I had it all lined up in a perfect circle
Love, Music, Poetry, and You
I looked back into the dark corners and saw a light
Something I forgot about
Something I took for granted
I lamented over the fact I should have moved
I laughed at myself for being scared of leaving the only place I ever called home
for the woman I loved.
Maybe this is the way its supposed to be…
Along the shores of my distance from a world where I feel jaded
Lost…
I sat reading her letters knowing that she moved on
and I smiled.. I sat writing in a notebook I hadn’t touched in forever
and it brought back good times
Smoking on the ceiling and making love in the sun
But alas.. it fled like a bat in the night time sky
All because of fear
a wise man once told me
“If you fear you lose”
and I lost
as I searched for Fame
I lost Love,
as I longed for acceptance
I lost you
As I lived for others
I lost music
and As I looked for poetry
I found despair
But this kept me sane
as I deleted the past
Old emails
Lost loves
and friendship which I ruined
I no longer had hate in my heart
I felt aware of the mistakes I had made
Deleting the only time I felt at peace
I am enlightened by the friends that kept coming back
even after I pushed them away
Then I lost myself
only to find that I hadn’t lost much
I just keep the illusions of a past I could never live
What if and I should have done
Aren’t words I hold anymore
as I hit the keys and deleted my past
I sit now looking a a blank page thinking what’s next
or how could I get to that state
It doesn’t matter now
We learn from our mistakes
I now live for what I have
my words
and the sense of knowing who I am
as I deleted my past…

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